Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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