I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
