It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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