The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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