yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
