I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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