I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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