Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize