It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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