i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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