what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
