I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
