omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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