So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
