I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I love having hate sex.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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