I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
