I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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