Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did we literally take a cab across the street
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
