Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize