I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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