Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think your dad took our porno
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
