it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
