you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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