I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
