and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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