So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
