THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
