Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
