We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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