i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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