she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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