woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
