The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
