just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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