Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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