____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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