Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
