Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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