i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
