and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
