just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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