Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(810): View more from Michigan

Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.

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(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(323): View more from California

Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?

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(254): View more from Texas

I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice

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(615): View more from Tennessee

So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.

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