I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
