I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
