I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
