Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
