This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
