I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
