Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize