I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
