My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
