I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize