508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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