obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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