Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
