Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
