I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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